I crave connection, yet I run away from being seen.
I have been trying to build a local village for a few years. In some ways, I have been successful, but, on the whole, I still haven’t cultivated the deep comnections, and the “living life with a village” type relationships I crave. In part, I think that my discomfort with being seen is part of my problem.
I don’t even really know exactly what I mean by “being seen”. For most of my like I have existed as a chameleon, reflecting what people expect back at them. I have been trying to uncover the self underneathe but I am still struggling to drop the shame around showing up authentically.
So many parts of myself have caused so much shame and isolation and I have spent years peeling back the layers and letting go of distorted beliefs. I was taught to ignore my discomfort in favour of “going along to get along”. I was too sensitive, picky, and impulsive. I contained those traits by high school, but they didn’t disappear, i just internalized all the distress and wrong feeling and it became a source of hidden shame.
Most women around my age were socialized in a similar manner. We were taught to smile, and prevent others from feeling discomfort. Don’t make a big deal about anything, and don’t show anger or displeasure. Don’t put another out on your behalf.
I internalized these messages deeply and am just uncovering that I do actually have preferences and can express them without it being an issue for others. And I am working on being okay with being seen.
I understand why I don’t want to be seen and I know that it is my own perception of what I am and what I am portraying to the world that is the issue here. I am scared of judgment and inadvertently hurting others.
But I am ready to be brave. I might accidently or inadvertently make others feel uncomfortable, but it isn’t my intention. My intention is to discuss the hard things that we don’t face, the parts of being human that we have demonized and discarded in favour of the fabricated online personaes we carefully curate.
I don’t want to curate an online personae. I don’t want to create a brand. I don’t want to influence anyone to buy anything. I don’t want to be “seen” while I create this community.
I want my words to stand on their own without needing to craft an audience, or build a following. I want people to read my words and choose to keep reading because I make them think and contemplate change in a doable and real way.
I want to remind others that creativity is resistance in a world where productibity defines worth. Rest is restitance. Self care is rebellion when society is designed to burn us out and make it impossible to access comminuty. Society exhausts our capacity with things that don’t matter so that we can’t organize to fight for the things that do.
When we feel healthy, happy, and have the capacity to engage in social change we demand more from our leaders. And we should