Sometimes I forget that surviving can also be hard. I have lived by the survive or roll over and die standard most of my adult life.
When I think about the ten years I spent recovering from back surgeries and fighting to stay on this side of depression, I usually feel ashamed. Like I could have done more, recovered better, or been stronger. Like it is my fault that I am “broken”.
But I am not broken. And my injury certainly wasn’t my fault.
I have started to believe my brain is wrong. Not just intellectually know that I have distorted thinking, actually BELIEVE it’s wrong.
I did the best I could with the resources I had at that time and I can’t judge the Sarah that lived in survival mode by secure Sarah’s standards.
When I look at my twenties with compassion in place of judgement, I am filled with empathy for myself. It is true, when faced with difficult things you either choose to survive, or you roll over and die, but the strength it takes to survive, let alone eventually heal, is immense.
If I wrote my story in third person and read it about someone else, I would think the person who went through what I did was heroic. For choosing to fight, for holding on, and for finding joy anyway. I would be so proud of her. So why aren’t I proud of myself?
It is so complicated and convoluted, but my brain treats me a lot worse than I treat other people. Using this depersonalizing tool – telling my story as if it happened to someone else – has allowed me to gain some distance from the experience and identify all the systemic abuse I endured as a disabled person.
This perspective shift has really allowed me to step forward into self compassion. It allows me to see myself clearly, without the lens of trauma and low self esteem. My maternal side just wants to gather little Sarah and tell her someday it will be okay, she will learn to care for herself, and she will find a home. That it isn’t her fault, and that she will heal. I want her to know who I have become – despite the pain.
This person – the one who can step back and evaluate thoughts for truth, take deep breaths in place of yelling, set boundaries to protect my capacity, and find compassion for my own struggles – is someone I am incrementally building respect for. I like being her. Every time I show up differently by interrupting an automatic thought cycle, or identifying a limiting or distorted belief I feel more in tune with my self.